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Quotes by Woody Allen
(1935 - )

CategoryQuoteE-Mail this quote
Capital punishmentCapital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
CrimeOrganized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
DeathThere are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
DeathIt's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens
DeathOn the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
DeathIt is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
DyingI don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
ExistanceWhat if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
FilmIf my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.
GodHow can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
GodIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
GodTo you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
GodIf it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
GodAs the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
HonestyI was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
IllusionWhat if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
LifeLife is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
LifeLife is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
MarraigeI tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
MasturbationDon't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
MeaningHow is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Misc.Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Misc.Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
MoralityHis lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
MusicI can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
NatureI am at two with nature.
NothingnessEternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
ParentsWhen I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
PoliticsThe government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
ReadingI took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
RegretsMy one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
SexSex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
SpaceInterestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
SpeedIt is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
TogethernessThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
UniverseI'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
WorldIt seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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