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Quotes by Anonymous

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AccidentsIn an accident, presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
ActionIf you see a situation that requires action, then take action. It is easier to beg forgiveness than to request permission.
AdmirationMaybe a woman would be more admired for her mind if it would bounce gently as she walks.
AdvantageYou are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
AgingTime is a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
AgingAt my age, I've seen it all, done it all, and heard it all; I just can't remember it all.
AgingI started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Air safetyIf black boxes survive air crashes, why don't we make the whole airplane of the same material?
Air travelThere are only two kinds of airline luggage -- carry-on and lost.
AngerIf you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
Anonymity"Anonymous" was never born, and will never die.
arithmeticTwo plus two equals five -- for sufficiently large values of two.
ArroganceFolks, this is the finest cookware, made in America, by Americans, for Americans.
- (hawker at a livestock show)
AustraliansAustralian Animal Rights Activist? bit of a double negative that one!
Aviation mathematicsThe aviation theorem: If the plane you are on is late, then the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
B.S.Excuse me for a moment, my B.S. detector is ringing.
BachJohann Sebastian Bach was a famous composer. He had 20 children. In the attic he kept a spinster on which he practiced.
BatteriesFlashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
BigotryGod favors no group. Only religions do that.
BinaryThere are 10 types of people: those who know binary, and those who don't.
capital punishmentWhy do we kill people who kill people to show them that killing people is wrong?
CarnivoreI didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
CarpentryI trimmed off that board twice, and it was still too short.
- (a carpenter’s apprentice)
CelibacyCelibacy is not hereditary.
ChangeChange is inevitable -- except from a vending machine.
ChildrenDear God, did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it just an accident?
- (child's letter to God)
ChildrenMy house is childproof ... but they still get in.
ColoradoIn the Colorado mountains there are three seasons: July, August, and winter.
CombatNever hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Community"Love your neighbor" is an old idea that is still too new for most of us.
communityThieves are just smart enough to know the street value of merchandise. They have no clue as to the value of a properly functioning human community.
compassionYou don't have to believe everything you think.
CompetitionIt's a contest only if you're winning.
ComputersAt the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
ComputersBack up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
computersA computer is like an airplane: it's something everyone can use, but only a few know how to operate.
conserv-ingMost political conservatives are poor conservationists.
ConservativesDo Republicans send their kids to conservative-arts colleges?
CorruptionPlease God, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't corrupt me.
- (on a t-shirt)
Death of childrenIt is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
- (epitaph on a child’s gravestone)
desert traveler's adviceDrink the water while you're still alive. It won't help later.
DichotomyThere are two types of people: Those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
DietIf we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
DriversIf you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would try to pass them.
DrunkennessI'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Drunks don't attend meetings.
E-mailE-mail: A conduit for sleaze, smut, advertising at consumer expense, hoaxes, and theft.
Economy of expressionInvariably eschew the utilization of an aggrandized word when a diminutive one suffices.
EducationGive a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
EncouragementRepel them, repel them, make them relinquish the ball.
- (Yale college cheer)
ExerciseI don't exercise. If God meant us to touch our toes, He would have put them higher on our bodies.
ExerciseIt is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This means that when you're 85 you can spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
ExperienceExperience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards.
ExpertiseFor every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert.
FateThis is the grave of Mike O'Day / Who died maintaining his right of way. / His right was clear, his will was strong, / But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.
- (on a gravestone)
fatherhoodA father is a person who has photos where his money used to be.
Fear of flyingIt's better to be on the ground wishing you were flying on a plane than to be on a plane wishing you were on the ground.
FlyingFlying is man's second greatest thrill. Landing is the first.
FoolsA fool and his money have only a dot in common.
GibberishWhat is a definition of "infinity" that everyone understands? It's the number of different ways George W. Bush pronounces "Abu Graib."
GodIf God was proven to exist beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would not pray to Him...I would curse Him.
GolfIf I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
good riddanceI still miss my ex-husband; but my aim is improving.
HarvardYou can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much.
HatredHate -- we love it.
HonestyToday I'm giving you two exams - one in calculus and the other in honesty. I hope you will pass both. But if you must fail one, let it be calculus.
- (a college professor)
HouseworkThere's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse.
hypocrisyListen to hypocrites, they know what they're talking about.
ImitationSnowmen fall from the sky unassembled. Try not to imitate this when flying.
ImmortalityI shall become immortal, even if it kills me!
ImportanceIn the end, the only people who claim something doesn't matter - be it intelligence, strength, good looks, money or anything else - are those that do not have it.
Indoor climateI came here for sinus trouble, and after two years of air conditioning, I got it.
- (Arizona resident)
InflationHow can a cemetery raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living?
IntelligenceIf you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
interruptingThe one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
JohnsonDr. Samuel Johnson said a lot without saying anything.
LawlessnessThe underworld risks much and works hard to steal from others. Is it worth the effort?
LawyersWhat happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
lifeYou don't know what you don't want until you have it permanently.
LogicThere are three types of people in this world: those who are good at math and those that aren't.
LogicThere are three types of people in this world: those who are good at math and those that aren’t.
LosingSecond place is the first loser.
LotterySearching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery!
- (on a bumper sticker)
LoveIt is said that love makes the world go 'round. In most cases, it is a wasted trip.
ManagementUse it up, wear it out; Make it do, or do without.
- (New England maxim)
MarriageLosing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
MemoryEveryone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
men vs. womenIf a man speaks in the forest where no woman can hear, is he still wrong?
MoneyMost of my money I spent on women and booze. The rest I just wasted.
MoneyMoney talks. Mine always says "goodbye."
NeedThe more you know, the less you need.
NegationThe negation theorem: Negative expectations yield negative results; positive expectations yield negative results.
noWhat part of "NO" do you not understand?
NOWhat part of "NO" do you not understand?
OilThe U.S. is always on the verge of, or in the process of, waging various kinds of war to secure oil supplies.
Old sayingThe best of all sauces is hunger.
OpinionSpeak your mind, even if your voice shakes.
OratorsWhat orators lack in depth they make up in length.
OverkillWARNING – Wear eye, face, and body protection.
- (on the back of a sheet of sandpaper)
PackagingNote to the packaging industry: Yes, it's safer if the product can't be opened by small children; but it's useless if it can't be opened by strong adults.
PatienceThe things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first.
PeacePeace may not be the absence of war -- but it might be a good way to start.
PeopleIf it's tourist season, why can't we kill them?
PersistenceI'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Political baseA rising tide raises all yachts.
- (US federal government economic philosophy)
politicsAfter all is said and done, more is said than done.
PoliticsIn 2004 we didn't have a real election; it was just station identification.
PoliticsDan Quayle and George W. Bush: the worst jackasses that ever disgraced the American political scene.
PoliticsReporter, to candidate: Do you think you can get Republicans and Democrats to work together? Candidate: I'm running for Governor, not God.
Politics and religionThe last time we mixed politics with religion, people got burned at the stake.
PrioritiesSome people are so obsessed with the here-after that they give little thought to the here-and-now.
PrioritiesIt will be a great day when the schools get all the money they need, and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
ProblemsThere are very few personal problems which cannot be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.
PunWhen it comes to picking your detective, there's no police like Holmes.
puzzlerf u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
Quick witHe who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Real lifeThe trouble with real life is that there's no danger music.
ReligionReligion is a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers.
ReligionGod please save me from your followers.
RetirementRetirement is experienced in three stages: (1) Go Go (2) Go Slow (3) No Go.
RolesSometimes you're the dog, other times the hydrant.
Self-deprecationLaughing at yourself will lengthen your life. Laughing at me will shorten it.
SeriousnessNo matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
ServicesDrop your trousers here for best results.
SexSex at noon taxes.
- ((a palindrome))
SleepI always sleep like a baby -- you know, wake up every 2 hours and cry.
SnowThe Eskimo language has 80 different words for "snow" -- probably all cuss words.
StressI'm handing out a long assignment today. It's due at 3 o'clock.
- (a college professor)
SurvivalThe Texas version of "Survivor": You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a gay atheist vegetarian and I'm here to take your guns."
SurvivalThe Texas version of "Survivor": You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a gay atheist vegetarian and I'm here to take your guns."
SurvivorThe Texas version of "Survivor": You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a gay atheist vegetarian and I'm here to take your guns."
TaxesTaxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
TaxesA fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing well.
TerrorismThe Army That Can Defeat Terrorism doesn't wear uniforms, or call in air strikes. It does battle quietly, clearing minefields and vaccinating children. It undermines military dictatorships and military lobbyists. It subverts sweatshops and special interests. When people feel powerless, it helps them organize for change. When people are powerful, it reminds them of their responsibility.
TexasIf I owned Hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
- (a trail-riding cowboy)
time managementThere's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
ToolsYou need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.
TrumpDonald Trump said, "Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game." Yeah, right, Donald. But we will bet the farm that if you took the money away from the game, Trump would no longer be playing.
TruthAs scarce as truth is, the supply has always exceeded the demand.
TruthTruth is to the Bible what fiction is to literature.
UglyI was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
Urban planning"Urban planning" is the science of figuring out how we're going to accommodate all these damned automobiles.
VirtueA virtuous life is its own punishment.
WSomewhere in Texas a village is missing its idiot.
WarIt’s a small war, God, but it’s the only one we’ve got.
War"Holy war" is an oxymoron.
WarGeorge W. Bush's method of governing: Ready, fire, aim.
Wealth and povertyYou can have a million dollars in the bank and be controlled by money. You can have nothing but the shirt on your back and be controlled by money.
WorkThere's no such thing as unskilled labor. Every job has a learning curve.
YouthWe have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
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