Quotes by Anonymous

Category	Quote	E-Mail this quote
Accidents	In an accident, presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
Action	If you see a situation that requires action, then take action. It is easier to beg forgiveness than to request permission.
Admiration	Maybe a woman would be more admired for her mind if it would bounce gently as she walks.
Advantage	You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Aging	Time is a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Aging	At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, and heard it all; I just can't remember it all.
Aging	I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Air safety	If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't we make the whole airplane of the same material?
Air travel	There are only two kinds of airline luggage -- carry-on and lost.
Anger	If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
Anonymity	"Anonymous" was never born, and will never die.
arithmetic	Two plus two equals five -- for sufficiently large values of two.
Arrogance	Folks, this is the finest cookware, made in America, by Americans, for Americans. - (hawker at a livestock show)
Australians	Australian Animal Rights Activist? bit of a double negative that one!
Aviation mathematics	The aviation theorem: If the plane you are on is late, then the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
B.S.	Excuse me for a moment, my B.S. detector is ringing.
Bach	Johann Sebastian Bach was a famous composer. He had 20 children. In the attic he kept a spinster on which he practiced.
Batteries	Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Bigotry	God favors no group. Only religions do that.
Binary	There are 10 types of people: those who know binary, and those who don't.
capital punishment	Why do we kill people who kill people to show them that killing people is wrong?
Carnivore	I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
Carpentry	I trimmed off that board twice, and it was still too short. - (a carpenter’s apprentice)
Celibacy	Celibacy is not hereditary.
Change	Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine.
Children	Dear God, did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it just an accident? - (child's letter to God)
Children	My house is childproof ... but they still get in.
Colorado	In the Colorado mountains there are three seasons: July, August, and winter.
Combat	Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Community	"Love your neighbor" is an old idea that is still too new for most of us.
community	Thieves are just smart enough to know the street value of merchandise. They have no clue as to the value of a properly functioning human community.
compassion	You don't have to believe everything you think.
Competition	It's a contest only if you're winning.
Computers	At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Computers	Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
computers	A computer is like an airplane: it's something everyone can use, but only a few know how to operate.
conserv-ing	Most political conservatives are poor conservationists.
Conservatives	Do Republicans send their kids to conservative-arts colleges?
Corruption	Please God, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't corrupt me. - (on a t-shirt)
Death of children	It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. - (epitaph on a child’s gravestone)
desert traveler's advice	Drink the water while you're still alive. It won't help later.
Dichotomy	There are two types of people: Those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Diet	If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Drivers	If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would try to pass them.
Drunkenness	I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Drunks don't attend meetings.
E-mail	E-mail: A conduit for sleaze, smut, advertising at consumer expense, hoaxes, and theft.
Economy of expression	Invariably eschew the utilization of an aggrandized word when a diminutive one suffices.
Education	Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Encouragement	Repel them, repel them, make them relinquish the ball. - (Yale college cheer)
Exercise	I don't exercise. If God meant us to touch our toes, He would have put them higher on our bodies.
Exercise	It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This means that when you're 85 you can spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Experience	Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and the lesson afterwards.
Expertise	For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert.
Fate	This is the grave of Mike O'Day / Who died maintaining his right of way. / His right was clear, his will was strong, / But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong. - (on a gravestone)
fatherhood	A father is a person who has photos where his money used to be.
Fear of flying	It's better to be on the ground wishing you were flying on a plane than to be on a plane wishing you were on the ground.
Flying	Flying is man's second greatest thrill. Landing is the first.
Fools	A fool and his money have only a dot in common.
Gibberish	What is a definition of "infinity" that everyone understands? It's the number of different ways George W. Bush pronounces "Abu Graib."
God	If God was proven to exist beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would not pray to Him...I would curse Him.
Golf	If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
good riddance	I still miss my ex-husband; but my aim is improving.
Harvard	You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much.
Hatred	Hate -- we love it.
Honesty	Today I'm giving you two exams - one in calculus and the other in honesty. I hope you will pass both. But if you must fail one, let it be calculus. - (a college professor)
Housework	There's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse.
hypocrisy	Listen to hypocrites, they know what they're talking about.
Imitation	Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled. Try not to imitate this when flying.
Immortality	I shall become immortal, even if it kills me!
Importance	In the end, the only people who claim something doesn't matter - be it intelligence, strength, good looks, money or anything else - are those that do not have it.
Indoor climate	I came here for sinus trouble, and after two years of air conditioning, I got it. - (Arizona resident)
Inflation	How can a cemetery raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living?
Intelligence	If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
interrupting	The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
Johnson	Dr. Samuel Johnson said a lot without saying anything.
Lawlessness	The underworld risks much and works hard to steal from others. Is it worth the effort?
Lawyers	What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
life	You don't know what you don't want until you have it permanently.
Logic	There are three types of people in this world: those who are good at math and those that aren't.
Logic	There are three types of people in this world: those who are good at math and those that aren’t.
Losing	Second place is the first loser.
Lottery	Searching for lost relatives? Win the Lottery! - (on a bumper sticker)
Love	It is said that love makes the world go 'round. In most cases, it is a wasted trip.
Management	Use it up, wear it out; Make it do, or do without. - (New England maxim)
Marriage	Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Memory	Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
men vs. women	If a man speaks in the forest where no woman can hear, is he still wrong?
Money	Most of my money I spent on women and booze. The rest I just wasted.
Money	Money talks. Mine always says "goodbye."
Need	The more you know, the less you need.
Negation	The negation theorem: Negative expectations yield negative results; positive expectations yield negative results.
no	What part of "NO" do you not understand?
NO	What part of "NO" do you not understand?
Oil	The U.S. is always on the verge of, or in the process of, waging various kinds of war to secure oil supplies.
Old saying	The best of all sauces is hunger.
Opinion	Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.
Orators	What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
Overkill	WARNING – Wear eye, face, and body protection. - (on the back of a sheet of sandpaper)
Packaging	Note to the packaging industry: Yes, it's safer if the product can't be opened by small children; but it's useless if it can't be opened by strong adults.
Patience	The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got there first.
Peace	Peace may not be the absence of war -- but it might be a good way to start.
People	If it's tourist season, why can't we kill them?
Persistence	I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Political base	A rising tide raises all yachts. - (US federal government economic philosophy)
politics	After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Politics	In 2004 we didn't have a real election; it was just station identification.
Politics	Dan Quayle and George W. Bush: the worst jackasses that ever disgraced the American political scene.
Politics	Reporter, to candidate: Do you think you can get Republicans and Democrats to work together? Candidate: I'm running for Governor, not God.
Politics and religion	The last time we mixed politics with religion, people got burned at the stake.
Priorities	Some people are so obsessed with the here-after that they give little thought to the here-and-now.
Priorities	It will be a great day when the schools get all the money they need, and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
Problems	There are very few personal problems which cannot be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.
Pun	When it comes to picking your detective, there's no police like Holmes.
puzzler	f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
Quick wit	He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Real life	The trouble with real life is that there's no danger music.
Religion	Religion is a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers.
Religion	God please save me from your followers.
Retirement	Retirement is experienced in three stages: (1) Go Go (2) Go Slow (3) No Go.
Roles	Sometimes you're the dog, other times the hydrant.
Self-deprecation	Laughing at yourself will lengthen your life. Laughing at me will shorten it.
Seriousness	No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Services	Drop your trousers here for best results.
Sex	Sex at noon taxes. - ((a palindrome))
Sleep	I always sleep like a baby -- you know, wake up every 2 hours and cry.
Snow	The Eskimo language has 80 different words for "snow" -- probably all cuss words.
Stress	I'm handing out a long assignment today. It's due at 3 o'clock. - (a college professor)
Survival	The Texas version of "Survivor": You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a gay atheist vegetarian and I'm here to take your guns."
Survival	The Texas version of "Survivor": You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a gay atheist vegetarian and I'm here to take your guns."
Survivor	The Texas version of "Survivor": You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker that says, "I'm a gay atheist vegetarian and I'm here to take your guns."
Taxes	Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
Taxes	A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing well.
Terrorism	The Army That Can Defeat Terrorism doesn't wear uniforms, or call in air strikes. It does battle quietly, clearing minefields and vaccinating children. It undermines military dictatorships and military lobbyists. It subverts sweatshops and special interests. When people feel powerless, it helps them organize for change. When people are powerful, it reminds them of their responsibility.
Texas	If I owned Hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell. - (a trail-riding cowboy)
time management	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
Tools	You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.
Trump	Donald Trump said, "Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game." Yeah, right, Donald. But we will bet the farm that if you took the money away from the game, Trump would no longer be playing.
Truth	As scarce as truth is, the supply has always exceeded the demand.
Truth	Truth is to the Bible what fiction is to literature.
Ugly	I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
Urban planning	"Urban planning" is the science of figuring out how we're going to accommodate all these damned automobiles.
Virtue	A virtuous life is its own punishment.
W	Somewhere in Texas a village is missing its idiot.
War	It’s a small war, God, but it’s the only one we’ve got.
War	"Holy war" is an oxymoron.
War	George W. Bush's method of governing: Ready, fire, aim.
Wealth and poverty	You can have a million dollars in the bank and be controlled by money. You can have nothing but the shirt on your back and be controlled by money.
Work	There's no such thing as unskilled labor. Every job has a learning curve.
Youth	We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

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