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Quotes by The Covert Comic a.k.a. John Alejandro King

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9/11Ask not what 9/11 can do for you. Ask what you can do for 9/11.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
AddictionA lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Analytic PhilosophyEmeralds are green / Zircons are blue / But in logic, these objects / Can be bleen or grue too
Animal Rights행복은 온난한 강아지이다 (Translation from Korean: 'Happiness is a warmed puppy.')
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Ask NotAsk not what your country can do for you, lest your country get ideas.
BeautyToo bad for a lot of people that beauty isn't skin wide.
CaesarWhat millions died that Caesar salad might be great.
CakeWho says you can't have your cake and eat it too? It's easy: just make two cakes!
Can-DoI said I have a can-do attitude. I never said I had a do attitude.
CanadaCanada was supposed to be a melting pot too, but the fuel lines to the heating element kept freezing.
CIASecret 8601. It isn't a real intelligence failure unless it results in a budget increase.
CIA BadgeWear your CIA badge like it's an electric guitar and you're a member of the Sex Pistols.
ClosureTo obtain closure, shut the doorsure.
CuriosityThe fact that curiosity killed the cat isn't an argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat.
DiplomacyDiplomacy and covert action don't mix. They bind chemically.
EncryptionSecret 23911370. Oh what an encrypted file we create, when truth we endeavor to relate.
Famous Facts of GeographyFamous Secrets of Geography: The world's largest Muslim mosque is located only three hundred feet from the Grand KFC of Mecca.
FlatteryFlattery will get me nowhere? That's a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.
Happy EndingsThe term "happy ending" is a redundancy.
If Life Hands You LemonsSince when does life hand out free fruit???
IlluminatiAs a CIA officer, I've actually met members of the Illuminati. And I can tell you that, aside from the fez hats and tiny cars, they're basically ordinary folks.
ImpartialityMay our impartiality never be based on indifference, but on controlling all factions and setting up an office pool to bet on who wins.
Inconvenient TruthsAmerica has 5% of the world's population, yet consumes 50% of the world's resources. At this rate, America will soon have 100% of the world's population, and then everything will be OK
KarmaIf you say the word "karma" backwards multiple times, it sounds like you're chanting "America."
LiesThink twice before you tell a lie. It'll help you get your story straight.
MasturbationIs that a pickle in my pocket, or am I just glad to see me?
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
MauveMauve isn't a color in the National Terrorism Advisory System mauve is terror itself.
Mushroom CloudThey call it a mushroom cloud because 'cauliflower cloud' would just be *too* scary.
Nuclear WarSecret #411.979. Never nuke a hostile country when it's busy nuking itself.
People PersonYou're either a people person, a non-people person, a people non-person, or a non-people non-person.
September 11thAsk not what 9/11 can do for you. Ask what you can do for 9/11.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Short BusThe cranial cavity is the shortest bus of all.
The ForceOn the other hand, it's probably a good idea not to *overestimate* the power of the Force either.
TransparencyTransparency implies cover.
Trigressing But I trigress.
WarIn America, the first casualty of war isn't truth, it's vacation time for INS employees.
- (noted CIA author, poet and covert activist)
Wash Between Your EarsMy mother taught me: 'Always remember to wash between your ears.'
WisdomDon't say 'Simplify!' Say 'Simp!'
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
WizdomOn the other hand, getting *found* in the shuffle isn't necessarily all that hot either.
WizdomTo paraphrase Kierkegaard: Life, and recordings of my mother-in-law talking, can only be understood backwards.
WizdomThe translation gets lost in the joke.
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