Quotes by Jay Leno
(1950 - )

Category	Quote	E-Mail this quote
Airlines	Jet Blue has introduced its new in-flight magazine: Sit Down and Shut Up.
Bush	Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate -- The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.
Bush	The government has announced plans to build a 700-mile-long fence to protect the nation's 1600-mile-long border with Mexico. Now see, that's what happens when you let President Bush do the math.
Bush	First Lady Laura Bush says she can't fall asleep without reading, unlike her husband, who can't read without falling asleep.
Cheney	Vice president Dick Cheney went duck hunting -- when he hunts, everybody ducks.
Clinton	President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way -- liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
Common criminals	What do Martha Stewart and George W. Bush have in common? Both are afraid of a long sentence.
Cuba	What's the most popular website in Cuba? InnerTube.
Denmark	The government of Denmark announced today that they would recall all their troops from Iraq. You didn't know that Denmark had an army? Yeah, Lars left on Friday; Sten will go home on Monday.
Dick Cheney	While visiting troops, Vice President Dick Cheney was given a 19-gun salute -- then he returned fire.
End of an era	I guess you know that Katie Couric is leaving NBC. Everybody is jumping ship. Today the NBC peacock announced it's leaving to do a show on Animal Planet.
Fats	Long John Silvers announced today that it was removing trans fat from its food -- replacing it with Mobil #10.
global warming	Scientists say we have five years to reverse global warming, or face serious consequences -- like maybe another Al Gore movie.
Government	The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
Gross	Police stopped a chauffered car and arrested a 78-year-old couple having sex in the back seat. Well, that's one way to get rid of that new-car smell, huh?
Health	At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors; not campaign donors, heart donors.
HMOs	Dr. Jack Kevorkian doesn't do assisted suicides any more - too much competition from HMOs.
Homosexuality	The first lesbian couple to be married under the liberalized marriage law in Massachussetts has split up, citing "irreconcilable similarities."
Humor	An airline passenger died suddenly during the flight, so he was moved into an empty seat in first class. Well, a little late for an upgrade, wasn't it?
Idiocy	President Bush promises to push for research into solar energy -- by ordering an invasion of the sun.
immigration	Hurricane Ernesto is gaining strength and is expected to strike the east coast in the next few days. Well, that's one way to guarantee that it gets into the U.S. -- give it a Spanish name.
Immigration	The government announced today that the nation's population officially passed 300 million. At the same time, the population of Mexico dropped to 38.
Immigration	The government announced today that the nation's population officially passed 300 million. At the same time, the population of Mexico dropped to 38.
immigration	Ellis Island was reopened today, closed since 1954, the last time people entered this country legally.
Incontinence	In India an 88-year-old man has become a father. Well, how many soiled diapers is that family going to have?
Iraq War	War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells "OIL."
Iraq War	The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Laws	If you can prove you have broken the existing law for two years, you'll be protected under the new law. - (on provisions of proposed illegal-alien legislation)
Nicole Richie	Nicole Richie has announced that she is pregnant. I don't want to say she's thin, but she started to show after the first half hour.
Officialdom	Tom Delay announced he will not run for re-election. However he will continue to serve the people of his state, by making license plates.
Politicians	The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Politics	Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.
Politics	The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow "Operation Re-elect Bush" doesn't seem to be popular.
Politics	In an effort to make the Bush environmental record look good, former Interior secretary Gail Norton announced that under the Bush administration there are now more wetlands than at any time since 1954. Well, yeah, if you count New Orleans.
Politics	Did you hear about the big collision that happened today? Yeah, a bunch of Republicans running away from Bush ran into a bunch of Democrats running away from Kerry.
Politics	Jay Leno (interviewing a "presidential candidate"): If you are elected, what do you plan to do about the Shiites? Candidate: Immodium!
Politics	Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House, second in the line of successors to George W. Bush, just a heartbeat away from a man who barely has a heartbeat.
Politics	Senator John Kerry announced today that he would not run for President in 2007; it just isn't the right time. Why isn't it the right time? It's an election year.
Religion	How many in the audience are Christians observing Easter? {applause} How many are Jews observing Passover? {applause} How many are Heathens observing Spring Break? {wild sustained applause}
Smoking	Chinese researchers claim that cigarette smoking can cure hemorrhoids. Well, how deeply do you have to inhale to make that work?
Spam	Researchers are working on a way to turn raw sewage back into edible food. Well, you thought that Spam was bad the first time around.
Stupid	Dr. Seuss has a new book out about the Bush presidency, titled "Sham I Am."
Vice President	All you need to be the Vice President is a blue suit and a pulse. Dick Cheney has shown that you don't even need the pulse.
W	Legislation is being introduced in Congress to make English the official language of the U.S. President Bush said, "Yeah, that's the goodest news I've heard in a long time."
W	First Lady Laura Bush gave an address promoting the joys of reading. Then the President gave the rebuttal.
W	George W. Bush had his annual physical exam recently. The doctor said the president was in excellent health -- from the neck down.
W	President Bush says his administration will have a solution to global warming within six months. Well, yeah -- it's called winter.
W	(Jay Leno was interviewing “President Bush”): J: May I ask you about official US policy toward some of the countries of Africa? B: Sure, go ahead. J: Kenya. B: Can I what?
War	As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline.
World leaders	Did you hear the news about Iranian leader Mahmoud I'm-a Nutjob, isn't that his name?
Yugo	They're starting to manufacture the Yugo automobile again, but now it comes with luxury features such as a heated rear window. It keeps your hands warm while you're pushing the car.

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