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Quotes by Robert Morley

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ActorsIt is a great help for a man to be in love with himself. For an actor, however, it is absolutiy essential.
AgeAs for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
AgeTime and tide wait for no man- but time always stands still for a woman of 30.
AmericansAmericans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.
AtheismThe courts are merely a ruse, if you will, for humanist, atheistic educators to beat up on Christians.
BabblingI would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate; this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor.
- (right-wing evangelist)
BanksA bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
BeliefBelief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.
BibleThe insperation of the Bible depends on the ingrance of the gentleman who reads it.
CaliforniaIf you stay in Beverly Hills too long you become a Mercedes.
ChildrenLearning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
ChildrenNever raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
ChildrenI have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.
ChristmasI don't buy Christmas presents. If they want stock for next spring's garage sales let them purchase it themselves.
CommunismCommunism was the brain-child of German-Jewish intellectuals.
- (Evangelist)
ComputersIf the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
DemocracyDemocracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
DogsA boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedence, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
DrinkingDrinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
EducationEducation is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
EinstienAny man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.
EnvironmentI think the environment should be put in the category of our national security. Defense of our resources is just as important as defense abroad. Otherwise what is there to defend?
ErrorsTo err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
FansAn ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
FearThe people I am most afraid of are those who are the most afraid.
FinanceFinance is the art of passing currency from hand to hand until it finally diappears.
FinanceFinance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.
GeniusEvery man of genius is considerably helped by being dead.
GibberishI know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period.
GibberishThe feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
GibberishYou're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist.
GibberishPresbyterians are the spirit of the Antichrist.
- (Evangelist)
GodGod is too big to fit into one religion.
HappinessHappiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
HealthQuit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
HitlerismMany of those people involved with Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals -- the two things seem to go together.
HumansThe biggest man ya ever gonna see, Was once a baby, In this life
- (African Herbsman)
HungerThe next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.
IdeasEvery man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
IdiocyI don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop.
- (of Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez)
IdiocyI think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice. Your children are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don't even realize it.
- (Evangelist)
InsiderYou can be a rank insider as well as a rank outsider.
InternetWe've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards coud produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
InventionGetting caught is the mother of invention.
LanguageDrawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
LawA jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
LIberalsA liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
LifeIn three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Male dominanceAs long as the husband is following the mandate of the Lord, the wife should submit to his leadership even though she may disagree with it.
- (Evangelist)
MeetingsA motion to adjourn is always in order.
MeetingsA meeting here turns into a need for another meeting there, which turns into what they call a service report which recaps what the meeting about the meeting was all about so we're all in agreement and "on the same page" at the next meeting.
- (cartoonist)
Misc.Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.
Misc.Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
MoneyNever ask of money spent /n Where the spender thinks it went /n Nobidy was ever meant /n To remember or invent /n What he did with every cent.
MorningsThe brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
ParanoiaSometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smalleer countries are neutral.
PartyingPartying is such sweet sorrow.
PhilosophyIt is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
PoliticsYou can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the ones you have to concentrate on.
PoliticsPolitics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
PoliticsPie in the Sky Doesn't Satisfy
PollutionThere's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
ProblemsAn undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions.
ProblemsIf you have any problems at all, don't hesitate to shut up.
ProcrastinationThere are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
QualityDoing a thing well is often a waste of time.
QuotationsA book of quotations . . . can never be complete.
QuotesThe surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
RandomnessThe generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
ReligionHistorically, fundamentalism referred to those 20th century American Protestants who reacted negatively to science and acted militantly against and reading of the Bible other than a wooden literal reading. Today, fundamentalism is a description applied to militant extremists who demand that others embrace their way or hit the highway.
- (Director, Baptist Center for Ethics, Nashville)
SayingI can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.
Self RespectIn order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.
ShakespeareThe remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
stupidThere is no such thing as separation of church and state in the Constitution. It is a lie of the Left and we are not going to take it anymore.
TaxesI want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.
TemptationMost people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
TravelIn America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.
UnderstandingI know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
- (State Department spokesman)
VacationA vacation is having nothing to do, and all day to do it in.
WarIt is well that war is so terrible, or we should get too fond of it.
WarIt is well that war is so terrible--we shouldn't grow too fond of it.
WarThe belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
WomenI may not omit those two main plagues and dotages of mankind, wine and women, which have infatuated and besotted millions of people. They go commonly together.
WorkAnyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.
WorkThe world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
WorkAnyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
WritingWriting is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
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