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Quotes by Steven Wright

CategoryQuoteE-Mail this quote
ChemistryI mix my water myself -- two parts H and one part O.
AlertnessThe early bird gets the worm; the second mouse gets the cheese.
AveragesHalf the people you know are below average.
BorrowingBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect to get it back.
ConscienceA clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
ConscienceA conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
CrimeLast night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
CuriostiyCuriosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
DaliLast year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
FearSome people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
FishingThere's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Fortune TellingLast night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
HumorOK, so what's the speed of dark?
LawyersNinety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
MapsI have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
MimesIf you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Misc.You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Misc.It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Misc.I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Misc.It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Misc.I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
MisfitWhen everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
OversightIf everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
PeaceI'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
ReadingI was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
RiddlesIf toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
sappyHow do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
ScienceMy theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
SillyI tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose.
SleepingWhen I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Statistics42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.
Time managementThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
TravestyI think it's wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one company.
WalkingEverywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
WordsWhat's another word for Thesaurus?
WorkI used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
WorkHard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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