| Category | Quote | E-Mail this quote | | Chemistry | I mix my water myself -- two parts H and one part O.
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| Alertness | The early bird gets the worm; the second mouse gets the cheese.
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| Averages | Half the people you know are below average.
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| Borrowing | Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect to get it back.
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| Conscience | A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
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| Conscience | A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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| Crime | Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
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| Curiostiy | Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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| Dali | Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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| Fear | Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
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| Fishing | There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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| Fortune Telling | Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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| Humor | OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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| Lawyers | Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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| Maps | I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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| Mimes | If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
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| Misc. | You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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| Misc. | It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
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| Misc. | I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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| Misc. | It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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| Misc. | I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
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| Misfit | When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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| Oversight | If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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| Peace | I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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| Reading | I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
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| Riddles | If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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| sappy | How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
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| Science | My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
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| Silly | I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose.
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| Sleeping | When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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| Statistics | 42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.
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| Time management | The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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| Travesty | I think it's wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one company.
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| Walking | Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
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| Words | What's another word for Thesaurus?
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| Work | I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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| Work | Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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