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| Category | Quote | E-Mail this quote |
|---|---|---|
| Animals | Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instuct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no starts lawsuits over their wills. | |
| Canada | A few acres of snow. - (On Canada) | |
| Clergy | A clergyman is one who feels himself called upon to live without working at the expense of the rascals who work to live. | |
| Doctors | The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. | |
| Doctors | Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing. | |
| England | England has forty-two religions and only two sauces. | |
| Friends | May God defend me from my friends, I can defend myself from my enimies. | |
| God | If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated. | |
| God | If God did not exist, it would be neccessary to invent Him. | |
| God | God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. | |
| Government | In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of the citizens to give to the other. | |
| Government | It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. | |
| History | God in all of his omnipotence can't change the past. That's why he created historians. | |
| Ideas | Man can only have a certian number of teeth, hairs, and ideas. There comes a time when he necessarily loses his teeth, his hair, and his ideas. | |
| Ideas | We use ideas merely to justify our evil, and speech merely to conceal our ideas. | |
| Ingnorance | The multitude of books is making us ignorant. | |
| Lawsuits | I was never ruined but twice; once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one. | |
| Life | In the great game of human life one begins by being a dupe and ends by being a rogue. | |
| Manners | To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. | |
| Marraige | Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. | |
| Money | When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. - (on missionaries) | |
| Music | Anything too stupid to be said is sung. | |
| Optimism | Optimism is the madness of maintaining that everything is right when it is wrong. | |
| People | Once the people begin to reason, all is lost | |
| Prayer | I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it. | |
| Religion | It is said that God is always on the side of the big battalions. | |
| Shakespeare | "Hamlet" is a coarse and barbarous play . . . One might think the work is a product of a drunken savages imagination. | |
| Speach | I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it. | |
| Success | To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. | |
| War | It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. - (philosopher) | |
| Wit | A witty saying proves nothing. |
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