| Category | Quote | E-Mail this quote | | Actors | Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband; show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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| Cheating | A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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| Children | Go back to reform school, you little nose-picker.
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| Children | I like children if they're properly cooked.
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| Children | Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever again.
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| Drinking | Anyone who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad.
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| Drinking | I exercise self-control and never touch any beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.
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| Drinking | The cost of living has gone up a dollar a quart.
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| Drinking | My illness is due to my doctor's insistance that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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| Drinking | What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
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| Drinking | I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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| Drinking | Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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| Drinking | A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
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| Drinking | Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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| Horse Sense | Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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| Morning | Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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| Obedience | Never mind what I told you – you do as I tell you.
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| Philadelphia | Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
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| Philadelphia | I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
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| Prejudice | I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
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| Religion | I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible -- for loopholes.
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| Voting | I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
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| Women | I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
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