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Quotes about CIA

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Ambrose BierceIn legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
Andy WarholI am a deeply superficial person.
Cleveland Amory
(1917 - 1998)
I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.
Covert ComicA little comic relief during an intelligence briefing does no harm – and a little harm does even less.
Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
At CIA our job isn't to be part of the first line of defense against an enemy, it's to be part of that enemy's first line of attack.
Covert Comic a.k.a. John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Wear your CIA badge like it's an electric guitar and you're a member of the Sex Pistols.
Covert Comic, The a.k.a. The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
What the CIA tells Congress it's doing, and what the CIA is really doing, are three different things.
David Lloyd GeorgeA politician is a person with whose politics you don't agree; if you agree with him he is a statesman.
Doug LarsonInstead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
George F. WillSocialism, born and raised in France, is unpersuasive even to the promiscuously persuadable French.
Gore Vidal
(1925 - )
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
Gwilym Lloyd GeorgePoliticians are like monkeys. The higher they climb up the tree, the more revolting are the parts they expose.
H. L. MenckenA good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
Henry Cate VIIThe problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Henry David ThoreauI went to the store the other day to buy a bolt for our front door, for as I told the storekeeper, the Governor was coming here. Aye, said he, and the Legislature too. Then I will take two bolts, said I.
Henry MillerOne has to be a lowbrow, a bit of a murderer, to be a politician, ready and willing to see people sacrificed, slaughtered, for the sake of an idea, whether a good one or a bad one.
Herb CaenCockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.
Jay LenoThe reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay LenoTom Delay announced he will not run for re-election. However he will continue to serve the people of his state, by making license plates.
John Alejandro King
(~1967 - )
If I have seen farther than others, it's because I get to program the spy satellite.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Secret 76.46. It isn't an intelligence failure if you didn't have any intelligence to begin with.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
The CIA Certainty Principle: You can be ignorant of a foreign organization's plans and intentions, or you can fail to influence that organization's plans and intentions, but not both.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
There's nothing funny about waterboarding. Especially if you wipe out.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Secret 3174.5. The CIA is the Kegel exercise of US intelligence.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
John Alejandro King
(1958 - )
The more I study the Zen classics, the more I'm convinced those Zen students *wanted* to get caned.
John Alejandro KingIs that a secret you're leaking, or are you just glad to see me?
- (from 'The Naked Intelligence Officer')
John Alejandro KingThere are two kinds of official secrets: the kind you're not cleared to know about, and the other kind you're not cleared to know about.
- (a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic' (America's funniest covert intelligence officer))
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Secret 30.91621. Intelligence analysts are anorexic. Reports officers are bulimic.
- (noted CIA research manager)
John Alejandro King
(1958 - )
Good intelligence isn't distilled, it's detoxed.
- ('My War on Terror!')
John Alejandro KingIf I told you, 'If I told you, I'd have to kill you,' I'd have to kill you.
- (America's funniest covert intelligence officer)
John Alejandro KingEvery diplomatic function is a catwalk of spies.
John Alejandro KingCarpe et interrogare diem - seize and interrogate the day.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
John Alejandro KingEconomically speaking, socialism has a mixed record. On one hand, Cubans can't get a decent cigar. On the other hand, people in North Korea can't get kimchi.
John Alejandro KingSome of the most successful intelligence officers are alcoholics – and the most successful alcoholics are all intelligence officers.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
John Alejandro KingThe CIA is too fail to big.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
John Alejandro KingThe CIA doesn't buy foreign governments, it leases them.
John Alejandro KingFirst-tour CIA case officers target, spot, investigate, assess, develop and recruit. Mature CIA case officers have vodka for breakfast.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
John Alejandro KingThe term 'CIA mind control' is a rare example of a triple oxymoron.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Smart CIA officers read 'Anatomy of an Intelligence Failure.' They understand that a solid grounding in anatomy is essential to becoming a skilled taxidermist.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
There's nothing wrong with the CIA that can't be fixed by what's even more wrong with the CIA.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
What's classified Top Secret in executive offices on the seventh floor of CIA Headquarters is common knowledge in clay huts on the sixth floor of CIA Headquarters.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Secret 45.331. An interagency intelligence task force is the sincerest form of flattery.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Secret 29916091. It may be easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, but it's smarter to get ordered to do it.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
CIA brainwashing: 1. Wet brain and apply CIA liberally. 2. Gently massage into lobes. 3. Rinse brain thoroughly. 4. Repeat as needed.
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Any first-year analyst can tell you what's happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing's happening.
- (a.k.a. The Covert Comic)
John Alejandro King
(~1958 - )
Some case officers drink to spy better. The best case officers spy to drink better.
- (from 'The Covert Comic')
John Alejandro King a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic'
(~1958 - )
I believe inanimate objects have a soul. But then, I work for the Government.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic'
(~1960 - )
If you want to know what God thinks of National Intelligence Estimates, look at who He clears to read them.
- (notorious CIA research manager and author of classified prose)
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
(~1967 - )
The ultimate indignity for a Third World country isn’t to be spied on by the CIA. The ultimate indignity for a Third World country is to not be spied on by the CIA.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
(~1960 - )
If the American people knew what we at CIA know, that would make none of us.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
(~1960 - )
Secret #81919.59. If thine spy satellite offends thee, send it into terminal orbit.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
Typical themes in CIA human intelligence collection include money, sex, treason, and lust for power. ... And those are just the things you need to requisition a good laptop.
- ('America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer')
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicThe International Spy Museum is located in Washington DC. The International Spy Zoo is located across the river in Langley, Virginia.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
At CIA we're committed to transparency in government. In fact, we create transparent governments every day.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
In 1942 Colonel William 'Wild Bill' Donovan created the Office of Strategic Services, which would later become the Miss USA Beauty Pageant.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicE = mCIA
- (noted CIA research manager)
John Alejandro King a.k.a. the Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
To defeat facial recognition technology, disguise your face to look like who you really are.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. the Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
When a radio commercial plays and you're a member of the target audience, how many times do they repeat the phone number?
John Alejandro King a.k.a. the Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
Black budgets make you look slimmer.
- (CIA research manager, poet and covert activist)
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicWhen it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicIt's just CIA being CIA.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSecret 16913011. Better a CIA front than a CIA backside.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSpookSpeak. Agent (n.) The average of a double agent and no agent at all.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicA typical breakfast for a CIA ops officer consists of a pastry and a piping hot cup of Armageddon.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSocial media doesn't cause suicide, so much as articulate it.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSecret 146250. A fool and his assets aren't soon parted.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicMirror, mirror on the wall, please point your cam at the shower stall. – [context classified]
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicThe enemy of my enemy, and my enemy, are both on the payroll.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSecret Thoughts of Women Ops Officers #26.62. "I should have worn something under this government."
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert comicI despise crass commercialism – though I have nothing against crassness itself.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicFew are pitched, but many are recruited.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicLife at CIA isn't all spying, sex and gunplay. Every week or so you have to leave the HQS building and go home to pick up your mail.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicThe recruitment of a single asset begins with a thousand drinks.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSecret 50023101. It isn't the number of assets you recruit, it's the quality of the acrylic award plaques you get for recruiting them.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicAt CIA, there's a fine line between getting blown and getting blown.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicCelebrity mathematicians die in 3.14159265359's.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicA reporter asked why the abstract art collection at Langley is classified Secret. As one who's seen it, I ask why it isn't Top Secret/SCI.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicCIA under siege? More like doing siege doggy style.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicEvery man and woman is a spy agency of one.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicHe who fights and runs away / May live to fight another day / But he whose foe to flee does pay / Shall get promoted at CIA
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicAs a CIA officer, I consider it an honor to give my life for my country. I just wish getting a new life didn't involve so much paperwork.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicIf it's not a crime to spy on an allied intelligence service, it's a crime not to.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicWho cares whether computers are intelligent, as long as they're sincere?
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicYou saw 9/11 coming? I gave 9/11 the handjob, and you weren't even in the room.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicDelusion is believing you work for the CIA when you don't. Illusion is believing you don't work for the CIA when you do.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicIf this doesn't work, we'll never smell the end of it.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSome spooks work with flaps and seals. Others, with slaps and feels.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicThese days, my cover is the only part of me that gets blown.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicI never met a man I didn't mic.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSocialism doesn't work. It has a rich father.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicSecret 33183551. Never update the CIA World Factbook until *after* you've updated the world.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicEverything you need to become a CIA operative is already within you. While you were sleeping we implanted it under your skin.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicCIA mind control? I personally know several CIA officers who are able to control their minds.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicCIA Cyber Ops: blue screen of death of death.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicIt's a myth that if you join the CIA you can never see your family again. Most members of my family are still at least faintly visible.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert ComicMan shall propose, God shall dispose, and a CIA spokesperson refuse to disclose.
John Alejandro King A.K.A. The Covert Comic (www.covertcomic.com)
(~1965 - )
Secret #413.53. It's better to think you're a CIA agent when you aren't one, than to think you aren't a CIA agent when you are.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic (www.covertcomic.com)
(~1958 - )
All the time I thought I was smuggling the hard drive containing the secrets, the hard drive containing the secrets was smuggling me.
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic (www.covertcomic.com)
(~1978 - )
Secret #19,531.974. A lie told to a counterintelligence officer doesn't necessarily equate to a truth, but it will tend to work out that way.
- (from 'Real Men Don't Get Published')
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic (www.covertcomic.com)
(~1958 - )
You start off your career as an intelligence officer assuming every claim is either true or false. As the years go by, you begin to suspect it's more complicated than that. When at long last you become a mature intelligence officer, you realize it's not even that complicated.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic (www.covertcomic.com)
(~1758 - )
Yes, I'm superficial, but only on the surface.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic, noted CIA officerMotivational Quote of the Day: It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up. – Vince Lombardi ... Motivational Quote of the Night: It's not whether you get down, it's whether you get knocked up. – The Covert Comic
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic, noted CIA officerAt CIA we're not above criticism – more like in a back alley on the other side of town.
John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert ComicSecret 1594032238. Once a NOC, never a NOC.
John Alejandro King, CIA research managerAn intelligence estimate will tend to generate greater interest if key sections are partially disclosed prior to publication (especially if they jiggle a little).
John Alejandro King, noted CIA research manager
(~1958 - )
If you write on the mirror with your finger *before* it steams up, you're CIA material.
Judge JudyWhen you mess around with jail-bait, you accept the consequences.
King, John Alejandro
(~1958 - )
The problem isn't that the CIA overthrows foreign governments - the problem is that the CIA underthrows them.
King, John Alejandro
(~1958 - )
If I trip and fall in a CIA conference room while giving a top secret intelligence briefing, and everybody in the room is under State Department cover, do I make a sound?
- (from 'My War On Terror!')
King, John Alejandro
(1958 - )
At one point at CIA I seriously investigated the idea of developing biological body armor. The basic concept: if an American soldier or intelligence officer serving overseas was attacked, highly contagious, debilitating organisms would be released from the body armor and infect his attackers. Eventually I gave up on the project when I realized that this form of armor already exists, and is America itself.
King, John Alejandro (noted CIA officer and writer)
(~1958 - )
So many foreign governments, so little time.
Lily Tomlin
(1939 - )
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.
Maureen MurphyThe reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
Nikita KhrushchevPoliticians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Oscar LevantI once said cynically of a politician, "He'll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it."
Quentin CrispNever keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
Robin WilliamsPoliticians are a lot like diapers: they should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.
Simon CameronAn honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
The Covert ComicAt CIA Headquarters they used to have an original M.C. Escher staircase drawing hanging in one of the hallways, but they had to remove it because people thought it was a building map.
- (noted CIA officer, poet and covert activist)
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
Welcome to Langley – the US Intelligence Community's red-light district.
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
The CIA. What we lack in intelligence, we more than make up for with intelligence.
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
Definition: Official cover. Notional employment affiliation, typically 'backstopped,' assigned to and used as an operational facade by a covert intelligence officer. (See 'self,' 'spouse,' 'universe,' 'God').
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
C4IC – Command, Control, Communications, Computers, and Ice Cream!
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
The classification FOUO sounds like a pidgin English insult. And the information it classifies confirms the impression.
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
Never place a romantic interest above an intelligence relationship, unless the three of you are comfortable in that position.
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
If my room is bugged, that would presumably explain the laugh track.
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
Any claim that CIA got it right or wrong begs the question of whether there was really an it to get.
The Covert ComicSecret 997. When it comes to driving foreign policy challenges to successful resolution, nothing beats a Porsche 911 Turbo S.
The Covert ComicThe intelligence you find at the top of the NIE is the intelligence you bring there with you.
- (a.k.a. John Alejandro King)
The Covert ComicIf there's one thing a CIA officer hates, it's filling out a Request for Authorization to Perpetuate an Elaborate Deception form. Those things take forever.
The Covert ComicBack when I started at the Agency, every male CIA employee was required to wear a coat and tie to work. On the other hand, that was *all* we had to wear.
The Covert ComicWWCIAD?
The Covert Comic
(~1958 - )
In the DI they write jokes about intelligence. In NCS they write intelligence about jokes.
The Covert Comic a.k.a. John Alejandro KingSecret 8601. It isn't a real intelligence failure unless it results in a budget increase.
The Covert Comic AKA John Alejandro King
(1958? - )
Secret 36.91914. Female CIA case officers have well placed assets.
- (www.covertcomic.com)
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